• I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.

• Government spending? I don't know what it's all about. I don't know any more about this thing than an economist does, and, God knows, he doesn't know much.

• There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.

• There is not a man in the country that can't make a living for himself and family. Bur he can't make a living for them "and" his government, too, the way his government is living. What the government has got to do is live as cheap as the people.

• If you make any money, the government shoves you in the creek once a year with it in your pockets, and all that don't get wet you can keep.

• On account of us being a democracy and run by the people, we are the only nation in the world that has to keep a government four years, no matter what it does.

• Diplomats are just as essential to starting a war as soldiers are for finishing it.... You take diplomacy out of war, and the thing would fall flat in a week.

• Be thankful we're not getting all the government we're paying for.